Mr. Matthew George “Matt” Whitaker
Acting Attorney General
U.S. Department of Justice
950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20530-0001
Dear Acting Attorney General Whitaker,
I want to be the first to congratulate you on keeping your job as Acting Attorney General for three whole weeks! You’ve lasted even longer than Anthony Scaramucci! I have a question:
We’re counting down to the end of the year and I need to invest the $152 dollars I got from my TRUMP tax cut.
I was thinking about investing in TRUMP University, but guess what? It went out of business because of the bazillion lawsuits. Also the charges of fraud and racketeering. Here’s what soon-to-be-president Donald TRUMP said about his University:
"I can turn anyone into a successful real estate investor, including you."
Here’s what New York State Attorney General Eric Schneiderman called soon-to-be-president Donald TRUMP:
“…a political hack looking for publicity.”
This is outrageous! You’ve been Acting Attorney General for three weeks and it’s high time you started acting like an Acting Attorney General! There’s only one thing to do:
Throw the book at Schneiderman! Also, while you’re at it, prosecute those enemies of the state who sued TRUMP University!
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, they haven’t broken any laws!”
And I say to you, Mr. Acting Attorney General, with all due respect: Everybody is guilty of something!
Start by checking their birth certificates.
Where was I? Oh yeah—stock investments. What do you think of investing my $152 tax cut in World Patent Marketing? You sat on their advisory board so they must be a blue chip stock! And I know you think the world of World Patent Marketing because you stood by them when the going got tough. Here’s what you said to a guy who was threatening to sue:
“There could be serious civil and criminal consequences for you.”
Match the following business entities with their correct description:
1) TRUMP University
2) World Patent Marketing
3) Masculine Toilet
a) Settled class action lawsuit for 25 million dollars
b) Fined 26 million dollars and shut down by FTC
c) Created a specially designed toilet bowl to help “well endowed men”
Hint: c) was marketed by b)
Answers: 1a, 2b, 3c
Maybe I should invest my $152 in Masculine Toilet. Lord knows, since I was 10 years old I’ve had problems avoiding “unwanted contact with porcelain or water.”
I look at those designs for the Masculine Toilet and I wonder: Why didn’t I think of that? I guess that’s why I’m just a neighborhood grocer collecting my $152 tax break while some people are getting their cut of a 26 million dollar lawsuit against World Patent Marketing!
I have another question: Did you sell President TRUMP a Masculine Toilet? We all know he doesn’t need it, but I’m sure he’d want one! You could sell him a custom gold plated Masculine Toilet. Just think how impressed Hannity will be!
POP QUIZ #2:
Match the following:
1) Founder of “By the Yard Concrete” which was sued for unpaid invoices
2) U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of Iowa who was found by a judge to “misuse” his authority by giving a non-violent drug offender the choice between 21-27 years or life in prison; her sentence was commuted by President Obama after 11 years.
3) Ran for Senate in 2014; came in 4th in the Republican primary with 7.5% of the votes
4) Defaulted on a $700,000 loan after contractors weren’t paid and lenders began foreclosure proceedings
5) Earned 1.2 million dollars as executive director and only full-time employee of Foundation for Accountability and Civic Trust (FACT) which was funded entirely by Republican “dark money”
6) Stated that judges should have “a biblical view of justice”
7) Stated that "the left is trying to sow this theory that essentially Russians interfered with the U.S. election, which has been proven false.”
8) Published an op-ed titled, “Mueller’s Investigation of Trump is Going Too Far”
9) Called the Mueller appointment “ridiculous”
10) Called the Mueller investigation a “lynch mob”
a) Matt Whitaker
b) Matt Whitaker
c) Matt Whitaker
d) Matt Whitaker
e) Matt Whitaker
f) Matt Whitaker
g) Matt Whitaker
h) Matt Whitaker
i) Matt Whitaker
j) Matt Whitaker
Answers: 1d, 2h, 3b, 4f, 5a, 6c, 7l, 8h, 9e, 10j
POP QUIZ #3:
Which statement is closest to the truth?:
1) I have an “easy chemistry” with President TRUMP.
2) I’ve talked to him more times today than Melania has talked to him in the last year.
3) Never heard of the guy.
Here are some clues to your answer:
Clue #1: On October 11, President TRUMP said this: "I can tell you, Matt Whitaker's a great guy. I mean, I know Matt Whitaker."
Clue #2: On November 9, President TRUMP said this: “I don’t know Matt Whitaker.”
Clue #3: Then, on November 9, President TRUMP said this: “I don’t know Matt Whitaker.”
Clue #4: Then, on November 9, President TRUMP said this: “I don’t know Matt Whitaker.”
Manafort’s Lawyer Briefed Trump Team on Mueller Talks!
Roger Stone Talked With Julian Assange Multiple Times!
Jerome Corsi Refuses Plea Deal; Denies Being Middle Man Between Roger Stone and Julian Assange!
RED ALERT! MAYDAY! ALL HANDS ON DECK! There’s only one thing to do and you know what it is! Act now, Mr. Acting Attorney General!
No, no, no! Not that! Don’t fire Mueller! Are you kidding? That guy’s got enough brains to touch bottom in your Masculine Toilet! And remember what Comey said about you:
“He may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer.”
No, no, don’t mess with Mueller. That guy has your king surrounded with knights, bishops, castles, and the queen, while you’re trying to figure out how to keep your last two checkers from being double jumped.
When Mueller plays scrabble, he makes a 7-letter word using a Q and a Z on a triple word score while you’re trying to break even at tic-tac-toe!
No, there’s only one thing to do and I guess I’ll have to spell it out for you: Prosecute Hillary! It’s so obvious! The President knows it! McConnell knows it! Now you know it too. Frog march Hillary off to jail and you’ll have your base distracted faster than you can say, “LOCK HER UP!”
P.S. Do you think I should invest in a Sasquatch doll? That was another invention World Patent Marketing promoted with a video that stated, “DNA evidence from 2013 proves that Bigfoot does exist.”
P.P.S. I bet that Sasquatch doll could use a Masculine Toilet!
P.P.P.S. Please send a photo. Autographed. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite Attorney General. He likes you even better than John Mitchell!