President Donald J. TRUMP

The TRUMP Organization

725 Fifth Avenue,

New York, NY 10022

Dear President TRUMP,

Let me be the first to say congratulations on your inaugural address!  You had almost as many supporters there as you had protesters!

PRESIDENTTRUMP!

Doesn’t that have a nice ring to it?  It reminds me of this Roman movie I saw when I was a kid. They stuck this poor guy inside a giant gong and they banged it really hard over and over again.  When they dragged him out he had blood coming out his ears. 

(Or wherever.)

PRESIDENTTRUMP! 

GONG!

I’m sorry I missed your speech.  I was really looking forward to it, but just when you raised your right hand to be sworn in, all of a sudden my stomach did a back flip and I had to dash!  That’s the difference between you and me.  While you were getting ready to sit on the golden throne, I was on my hands and knees kneeling over the porcelain throne! 

There must be some sort of bug going around.  A lot of people have been getting sick lately.

Anyway, I wish I could have seen you.  I hear you were great!  Especially when you said, “This American carnage stops right here and stops right now.”

And not a moment too soon!  We’ve suffered through 75 straight months of job growth! 

Unemployment is at 4.7% and the numbers have been in a free fall for almost nine years!

In 2015, the annual household income ballooned to the highest rate in nearly fifty years!

HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS CARNAGE CAN WE TAKE?!

I was wondering why you didn’t have a poet at your inauguration.  John F. Kennedy had Robert Frost.  Barack Obama had Maya Angelou.  But now I understand.  Why would you need a poet when you can read lines like this:

“Rusted out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation….”

I bet Dylan’s going, “Damn!  Why didn’t I think of that?!”

It’s a good thing Springsteen boycotted your inauguration.  Can you imagine how embarrassed he’d be to put his songs up against hooks like:

“From this day forward,

 It’s going to be only,

America first,

America first.”  

Now who’s The Boss? I bet Springsteen’s not calling you a “moron” anymore! 

It’s too bad Paul Anka had a “schedule conflict” and couldn’t come to your ball and sing his song, “My Way.”  This is such an insult!  He didn’t have a “schedule conflict” when he sang for Putin!  He didn’t have a “schedule conflict” when he sang for the Shah of Iran!  Here’s what Paul Anka said about singing for dictators:

“You say ‘no’ long enough, and then a guy comes in with a suitcase of cash, and the answer is ‘yes.’  It doesn’t matter if it’s one man or whether he wants one song or a full concert.  He’s a customer, and he’s going to be made happy.”

This solves the mystery! Putin wants you to think he’s your friend so he takes a shot at Paul Anka by saying Russian prostitutes “are undoubtedly the best in the world.” 

Putin’s a tricky guy.  He’s playing chess while you’re playing Monopoly.  This is outrageous!  American prostitutes are as good as Russian prostitutes and so is Paul Anka!

But you’re the expert!  Do you think American prostitutes are as good as the Russians?  Maybe you should hold a competition.  But watch out for the Russians using performance enhancing drugs!

Maybe you should give them a urine test.

GONG!

By the way, did you notice I sent this letter to your business address?  I was confused whether to send it there or to the White House.  But I figured you’d be stopping by to pick up your mail a lot, so I sent it to the TRUMP Organization.

Speaking of the TRUMPOrganization, do you think you’ll get evicted from the TRUMP Hotel?  The reason I ask is there’s a clause in your lease saying federal officials can’t rent the building from the government.  And now the Liberal Media is spreading Fake News that you have a conflict of interest!

What conflict of interest?  You are your own landlord!  How can you be in conflict with yourself?

You’re sure not in conflict with the foreign diplomats and politicians and big ticket donors who stayed in the TRUMP Hotel this week!  I doubt if you’re having a conflict with the folks who forked up $500,000 a night for the luxury suite.  That might seem like a lot but I hear there are lots of perks.

Is one of the perks Russian hookers? 

For that price, I hope you throw in sheet cleaning and flipping the mattress after the golden showers.

Anyway, let me be the first to say:  “Welcome Aboard!” 

Tell Pence to study up!  When it’s his turn I want him to hit the ground running!

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada