President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC 20500
Applicant: Carl Estrada
Position: White House Speech Writer
Dear President TRUMP,
I hear you’re planning to give a major speech on race and unity. Excellent idea, sir! Americans can’t breathe until we hear you weigh in. Whoops! Sorry—I didn’t mean to say “weigh in.” I know that’s a sore spot. It’s like when Nancy Pelosi said about how you’re stockpiling hydroxychloroquine:
"As far as the President is concerned, he's our President and I would rather he not be taking something that has not been approved by the scientists, especially in his age group and in his, shall we say, weight group -- morbidly obese, they say. So, I think it's not a good idea."
Fake news! The CDC says a man of your height would have to weigh 300 pounds in order to be “morbidly obese.” You only weigh 244! Nancy Pelosi is so wrong! You’re not morbidly obese! You’re just….obese.
Where was I? Oh right—Americans can’t breathe until you explain how when a white cop has his knee on a black man’s neck there are “good people on both sides.”
But there’s a problem with your speech writer and I can sum it up in two words:
Stephen Miller???!!! You’re going to let that guy write your speech on race relations? I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, Stephen Miller is a great American. He wrote my entire immigration policy.”
And I say to you, sir, Stephen Miller is, as one White House official put it:
“…singularly focused on how to get people out of the country.”
Stephen Miller said it himself. Here’s what he said about kicking people out of the country:
“It’s all I care about. I don't have a family. I don't have anything else. This is my life.”
And that was before he married Pence’s press secretary! That guy doesn’t have the time or focus to write a major speech on race relations! Give him a job he’s qualified for! Like passing out white sheets at a KKK rally!
No, you need a speech writer who can rise to the enormity of the moment! Who can lift our spirits and heal this wounded nation! Who can face the crisis head-on with wisdom, humility, and compassion!
And no, I’m not talking about Michael Sheehan. He’s already taken. He’s Biden’s speech writer.
No sir, I, Carl Estrada, am offering my services to write your unity speech. You’ve already seen my writing abilities in the many letters I’ve sent you. In this speech, I will harness my talent for soaring rhetoric, my penchant for common sense straight talk, and my google-like command of the facts!
In fact, I’ve taken the liberty of writing the speech and I now offer it to you gratis. Feel free to use it. Here is what you should say to our hungry nation:
My fellow Americans,
In this hyper-partisan political atmosphere where we can’t agree on anything anymore, we can’t even agree on where to get our news, FOX or Breitbart, I used to like FOX but lately they’ve been so nasty, especially Chris Wallace, his father was much better than he is, much better, many people think Mike was better than Chris. Much better. Much much better. Believe me.
It’s so sad what happened to George Floyd. So sad. Never should have happened. Now you have four officers in jail who are all fine Americans, by the way, and I’m sure George Floyd was a good person too, but he did pass a phony $20 bill so Officer Chauvin was just doing his job, although he might have been a little rough but that’s okay, cops have to be rough sometimes, it’s a dangerous job, very dangerous, and it makes you wonder about George Floyd because I’ve passed lots of bad bills and bounced lots of bogus checks and no cop ever put a knee on my neck.
But now is not the time to politicize the situation like Sleepy Joe Biden did when he spoke at George Floyd’s funeral and played the “compassion” card. If Sleepy Joe has so much “compassion,” why does he want to take away the tax cuts I gave to my billionaire friends? If he has so much “empathy,” why doesn’t he feel sorry for Thomas Lane, the rookie cop who was only on the police force for four days and didn’t have a single complaint against him at the time he pointed a gun at George Floyd’s head, handcuffed him, and held his legs down while Officer Chauvin administered justice!
Besides, it’s not the cops who are responsible. It’s the public! It’s like Officer Lane’s attorney said:
“If the public is there and they’re so in an uproar about this, they didn’t intercede either.”
And by the way, the public didn’t do anything to intercede when that officer, a very fine officer I might add, a very fine officer pushed that 75 year-old peace activist and left him bleeding on the ground. I have it on good authority from FOX and Friends that that guy might have been from ANTIFA, you never know, but many people say he was ANTIFA and he was trying to aim his scanner at police in order to black out their communications. Either that, or he was asking the officer to help him figure out his password. You never know. We’ll see what happens.
This is a time for our nation to come together in healing, which is why it’s so sad that Colin Powell, I call him “a real stiff,” and he said he’s voting for Sleepy Joe Biden, so sad, and now Secretary of Defense Mike Esper is against me and I’m going to fire him as soon as all this blows over, believe me, and all the generals are against me now, I never liked any of them anyway, and by the way, why are all those voters complaining about having to wait in line for 3 or 4 or 5 hours? They didn’t mind standing out in the streets and protesting for days at a time!
In closing, as we come together as a nation, let’s look at the things we can all agree on: My economy is tremendous, tremendous, my economy is tremendous, and it’s all because I’ve been a tremendous president, tremendous, I’ve been the most tremendous president since Lincoln, and you’ve heard me say this before and I’ll say it again, “I’ve done more for the black community than any president since Lincoln.” Some people say I’m even better than Lincoln, some people say I’m even better than Andrew Jackson! And by the way, my inaugural crowd was bigger than Lincoln’s and Jackson’s put together, that I can tell you.
I’ve also done more than any president in history in stopping Covid-19, more than any other president in history. And now that I’ve got Fauci locked in the bunker I was inspecting last week, the numbers are going way down.
I’ve also said, and many people agree, many people: “I’m the least racist person anywhere in this world.”
But don’t ask me. Ask Ben Carson. Ben is my black guy HUD secretary. Ben, my black guy, said this just yesterday:
“I believe you're going to be hearing from the President this week on this topic in some detail. And I would ask you maybe to reserve judgment until after that time.”
Now that you’ve reserved judgment and heard my side of the story, we will Make America Win Again (MAWA). By the way, some people say MAWA stands for Make America White Again. That’s okay too. We love the blacks. Just ask Ben Carson.
Thank you very much. Law and Order! Dominate the Streets! God bless America. God bless George Floyd. God bless Officer Chauvin too. There are good people on both sides, that I can tell you.
God bless the President. Many people say that’s me. But I don’t want Nancy Pelosi praying for me. Tell her to save her prayers for Mike Esper. I’m going to fire him as soon as this thing blows over.
When you finish your speech, be sure to hug the American flag. But be careful not to grind it.
Also, try not to sniff. Polling shows that 67% of Americans think whenever you sniff, you remind them of Richard Pryor.
By the way, I practiced your speech and it came to exactly 8 minutes and 46 seconds!
Good luck! The nation will be holding its breath.
P.S. Richard Pryor was a famous black comedian who once said this:
“I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.”
P.P.S. Here’s what else Richard Pryor said:
“I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed. Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren’t coming after me.”
P.P.P.S. Please send an autographed photo. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. He thinks you’re the least racist person in the world. He thinks you’re even less racist than Stephen Miller!