Sections
Monday, January 29, 2007
Carl’s Point originates at KCUP-1230 AM radio in Newport, Oregon on Tuesday, 7:26 a.m., repeating Thursday 6:26 a.m. Engineer: Shannon O’Neill
Note: To receive the full impact of Carl’s Point, you must hear it. Click on the audio icon for the total Carl’s Point experience!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Carl Estrada and the State of the Union!
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Carl: Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I appear before you tonight to report that the state of our union is . . . pretty good.
We have made advances in health care to the point where we now spend twice as much as any other country!
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This has reaped great rewards. I am proud to announce we are now number 36 in infant mortality, right behind Taiwan, and we beat out Croatia!
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Moving on to education, among adults age 25 to 34, the U.S. ranks ninth in citizens who have a high school degree. And in the same age group, the United States is tied in seventh place with Belgium in the number of people who hold a college degree.
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And in literacy, we’re number 22, right behind Estonia.
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We have some work to do to catch up with China in state sponsored exectutions. Last year, we only executed 98 inmates, while China killed 1,077. Iran and Saudi Arabia beat us out, too. But we still executed more prisoners than Cuba, Thailand, and Uganda.
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Tonight I’m happy to announce one of our most cherished freedoms, freedom of the press, is alive and kicking. The non-profit, non-partison organization Freedom House, ranks the United States the 27th most free press in the world!
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Privacy International says we have some work to do in communications interception. We’re only number 11 there. But--we’re Number One in the least privacy inforcement, ahead of the Philipines, Russia, Malaysia, Singapore, and China!
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And, tonight I’m proud to announce that the U.S. is still the world’s Number One Producer of Carbon Emissions! And, we are the only industrialized nation to refuse to sign the Kyoto Protocol!
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But no State of the Union address would be complete without my trying to distract you from Iraq. So today I am happy to unveil my new plan for Victory in Iraq! And here it is:
Nuke Iran!
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I’m Carl Estrada and that is the State of the Union.
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The oceans are rising! Forests are burning! Terrorists on the loose! Donald Trump is running amok!
This is a job for.... Carl Estrada!
This is a job for.... Carl Estrada!
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