Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Saturday, May 03, 2003
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
P.O. Box 8120
Van Nuys, CA 91409

Dear Dr. Laura,

I’m my kids’ mom. All six of them. I have a moral dilemma:

Last week, my boyfriend (I’ll call him Larry) got out of jail? He was in for 6 months for beating me up. It wasn’t his fault. He was on the methadone program? And then the state ran out of money and stopped funding the program, and he couldn’t get his methadone but he didn’t want to go back on heroine, so he was staying at my apartment? And he was having real bad withdrawals and he just kinda flipped out.

Anyway, a few months ago I met this guy in a bar? (I’ll call him Ray.) And one thing led to another and we did it. I thought he pulled out in time but guess what? I missed my period. And then I missed the next one, so you know what that means. In the meantime, I met this girl--I’ll call her Diane. Well, one thing led to another and we did it. Do you think I’m a biological error?

So now Diane wants to move in with me and have the baby together. Larry doesn’t know about Diane or the baby and he’ll probably kill me if he finds out. Ray wants me to have an abortion. What should I do???!!!

I know, I know...I know I made a lot of mistakes, but I thought you’d understand because you made so many when you were younger too, like having an affair and posing naked and never talking to your mom, and now look at you. You’re living such a blessed life, always knowing what’s right and wrong and consulting with rabbis and being your kid’s mom and everything--you’re such a Saint!

So please, Dr. Laura, tell me what to do. I’ll do anything you say.

God Bless You, Dr. Laura
Helen Wentworth

Back