Dr. Condoleezza Rice
National Security Advisor
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Dr. Rice,

I just want to say “Good luck” on your testimony this Thursday. Are you nervous? I always get nervous before public speaking. Last month, I had to do a presentation at the 1st Annual Neighborhood Grocers’ Convention, and I was a wreck for a month before! My speech was called, “Hiring Ph.D’s as Checkers for $6.50 an Hour.” You’ll be glad to know it went really well--I even hired a couple of new checkers! They were willing to relocate from Carney, Nebraska to Waldport, Oregon, just so they could bag groceries in my store! They aren’t both Ph.D’s--one of them only has a Master’s in Sociology. Anyway, I’m glad I’m doing my part to help raise the employment rate and get the economy moving again!

Did you see John Dean on Bill Moyers the other night? He’s my favorite Watergate character. Him and H.R. “Bob” Haldeman. I liked Haldeman’s haircut--the original flat-top he had before he tried to “soften” his image--the softer haircut probably cut a few years off his jail sentence, but I still liked the Marine cut better.

Remember when John Dean said, “There’s a cancer on the presidency...”? That was my favorite part. That and when Sam Ervin’s jowls would wiggle whenever he got worked up. But John Dean had some advice for you on Bill Moyers. The first thing he said was, you won’t perjure yourself if you give an opinion. For example, don’t ever say, “I emphatically deny Our President was asleep at the switch!” Instead say, “In my opinion, Our President was not asleep at the switch.” (Italics mine.)

Don’t say, “I swear categorically that I had in fact, heard of Al Qaeda before 9-11.” Say, “In my opinion, I think I heard of Al Qaeda before 9-11.” (Italics mine.)

The other thing Dean said that made a lot of sense was: “Stall!” Drink lots and lots of water. That way, every 5 or 10 minutes you can excuse yourself to go to the ladies’ room. Also, talk re-ea-ll-ll-ll--ly sl-l-l-o-o-o-ow and repeat yourself repeat yourself repeat yourself repeat yourself a who-o-o-le lo-o-o-ot a who-o-o-le lo-o-o-ot. The hearing is only for two and a half hours. If you follow Dean’s advice, you’ll only have to answer one or two questions, and you’ll be done!

Here’s what you can do to get off on the right foot--when you take the oath, say, “In-n-n-n.....my-y-y-y.....opi-i-i-n-n-n-nion......., opi-i-i-n-n-n-nion......., I-I-I promise to tell....promise to tell....promise to tell....the............ tru-u-u-uth......., the who-o-o-ole tru-u-u-uth......., and no-o-o-othinggggg but......the......tru-u-u-uth, so....help.....me............. Go-o-o-o-o-o-od.......so....help..... me............. Go-o-o-o-o-o-od....... If I may ask the commission’s indu-u-u-u-lge-e-ence.............,may...... I...... excu-u-u-u-use myself......excu-u-u-u-use myself? I..........ne-e-e-eed........... to........ use........ the......... re-e-e-e-est......ro-o-o-o-oom.”

One more thing--I talked to my friends Andy and Gerard who own a beauty shop across the street from my grocery. They said they would love to give you a makeover! They even offered to fly to DC and do it free of charge! Just say the word, and I’ll send them out.

Good luck!

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada