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Saturday, October 01, 2005

Mr. Ken Mehlman
Republican National Committee
310 First Street, SE
Washington, DC 20003

Dear Mr. Mehlman,

You and I have never met, but My President has probably told you all about me--I write Him all the time. I give Him advice and some would say I’m brutally honest. I tell Him things His best friends are afraid to say. Some people say My President is the Greatest President Since Herbert Hoover. I like to think I have something to do with that.

You’re probably wondering, “Why is this guy writing to me, a little party hack, instead of going straight to the Big Guy?”

Good question! But first of all, stop thinking of yourself as a “party hack!” We’re never going to get anywhere if you start in with a negative attitude!

Anyway, all week I’ve been wanting to write letters of advice to my favorite Republicans, but every time I get started, another one gets in trouble! That’s why I’m writing to you, Mr. Mehlman. This is bigger than any of us! We have a perfect storm brewing, and it’s up to you to get out the umbrella.

First, I want you to give My President a conservation tip and here it is: In the last week, He’s probably used up more gas flying to the Gulf than the whole city of Houston used when they were evacuating!

If He really wants to show how much He cares, here’s what He should do: Fly less, play guitar more! Remember how everybody loved it when Clinton played the sax? People like to see their president playing music! Maybe He could cut a CD and send the proceeds to a disaster relief fund.

Make the checks payable to “Bill Frist Legal Defense.” And here’s how you can really get a bang for your buck: Hire Martha Stewart as a consultant! She knows all the ins and outs of “insider trading!” She pulled off a deal where she only got five months with time off for good behavior. And look at her now! She’s got her own TV show and she’s bigger than ever! Maybe when Bill Frist gets out of jail, he can get his own TV show, too!

But whatever you do, don’t tell Tom “The Hammer” DeLay that you’re setting up the Bill Frist Disaster Relief Fund. He’ll just launder the money into his disaster relief fund! Let DeLay fight his own battles! He’s a big boy--he knows how to play the game! Maybe he could get his friend and golf partner Jack Abramoff to fake a wire transfer of 23 million dollars, just like he did with those floating casinos he bought. And if the prosecutor doesn’t like it, just say two words:

Gus Boulis.

Gus Boulis is the guy who didn’t like it when Abramoff and his partner, Adam Kidan, paid him 23 million in counterfeit dollars for his floating casinos. He didn’t like it so much that he got in a fist fight with Kidan. Then Kidan got so mad, he hired Anthony Moscatiello as his “business mentor.” And guess what? Anthony Moscatiello worked for the Gambino family. And guess what else? Gus Boulis won’t be complaining anymore--on account of he’s got three bullets in him and he’s dead.

Speaking of casinos, did you hear what the high roller and former Secretary of Education Bill Bennett said? Here’s what he said:

“You could abort every black baby in this country and the crime rate would go down.”

And guess what? The liberal smear machine is playing partison politics and criticizing him for saying that! The liberals have no shame! It was a perfectly innocent remark and it was taken out of context and besides, Bill Bennett said all he was doing was conducting a “thought experiment about public policy.”

You see? Whatever happened to freedom of speech? Whatever happened to “sound science?” Where would we be if all the great thinkers of our land weren’t allowed to conduct “thought experiments?

Remember when Bill Bennett conducted a thought experiment and said, “I’ll see your twenty-five dollars, and I’ll raise you eight million . . . ?”

Speaking of Bill Bennett, did you see who his brother Bob is representing? Judith Miller! Talk about thought experiments! She’s the reporter who spent eighty five days in jail because she refused to name I. L. “Scooter” Libby as her source after he gave her permission to name him in the story she didn’t write about him outting Valerie Plame as a CIA spy. (?)

By the way, who’s your favorite Watergate co-conspirator? Mine is H. R. “Bob” Haldeman. I like the guys with initials followed by a nickname.

Does Cheney know about Libby? Somebody should tell him his top aide committed treason! If he knew, he’d fire him faster than you can say, “High crimes and misdemeanors!”

Speaking of treason, I’m worried about the hurricane relief effort. After Karl Rove gets indicted for outting Valerie Plame, who are we going to replace him with to head up the hurricane relief team?

I’ve got just the guy for you: Brownie! I know he’s busy doing a heckuva job investigating himself at FEMA, but after he finds out it was all Mayor Nagin’s and Governor Blanco’s fault, he might be out of work again. And who better to rebuild New Orleans than Brownie? Look at all the experience he’s had!

Anyway, Mr. Mehlman, we Republicans are in big trouble and I think you know it! Stop the bleeding! Here’s what I want you to do:

Declare this week: HUG A REPUBLICAN WEEK!

I know Republicans aren’t big huggers, but sometimes you just have to suck it up. Like Nixon, when Sammy Davis Jr. hugged him--Nixon had a stiff neck for a month, but did you notice the spike in the polls?

Tell everybody to Hug a Republican! Arrange a photo-op for Colin Powell to hug My President! Let’s get Barney Frank to hug Orin Hatch! Hillary can hug Condi Rice.

Pass out pins that say, “Hug me. I’m a Republican!” Then watch the poll numbers soar! Just one thing--make sure people wear their “Hug me. I’m a Republican!” pins on their hats or their sleeves or their collars. Tell them not to put them on their lapels. We don’t want them getting tangled up with the American flag lapel pins that the Republicans they’re hugging are wearing.

It would be like two teenagers with braces making out.

Carl Estrada



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