Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Saturday, September 25, 2004
September 26, 2004
George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500

Dear Mr. President,

Practice makes perfect!

I hear You’re taking the week off to “crystalize Your thoughts” before the big debate. Do You think that will give you enough time? I can’t wait to hear what Your thoughts sound like when they’re “crystalized!”

I know You have less than a week, and I don’t want to overload You, but I’d like to give You three thoughts to memorize. If you can crystalize them by Thursday, the debate will be in the bag!

Thought #1:

“The world is a safer place with Saddam Hussein behind prison bars!”

Say it over and over to Yourself. Say it while you’re shaving. Say it while You’re bicycling. After a while, it’ll become second nature! Then, when the Flip-Flopping Frenchman says:

“The president's misjudgement, miscalculation and mismanagement of the war in Iraq all make the war on terror harder to win.”

You say:

“The world is a safer place with Saddam Hussein behind prison bars!”

Thought #2:

“We must whip the terrorists in Iraq so we don't have to face them here at home.”

If the liberal moderator, Jim Lehrer asks: “Mr. President, in light of the fact that one third of Iraq is now controlled by ‘insurgents,’ attacks on Americans have escalated from 20 per day to over 80 per day since April, and 90% of the Arab populace thinks America is on a racist crusade against Islam, what is your strategy for Iraq?” You say:

“We must whip the terrorists in Iraq so we don't have to face them here at home.”

Make sure to say “whip” the terrorists. Talk like a cowboy! Americans love that stuff!

Thought #3:

“My opponent is sending mixed signals. His words embolden the enemy."

If the Flip-Flopping Frenchman says the Iraq war is “a profound diversion from the battle against our greatest enemy, al-Qaeda terror network," and we need to “fight a tougher, smarter, more effective war on terror," You say:

“My opponent is sending mixed signals. His words embolden the enemy."

Don’t try to crystalize any more thoughts than those three. They’re the only thoughts You need! They’re interchangeable! Watch this:

Flip-Flopping Frenchman: “If re-elected, George W. Bush will cling to the same failed policies in Iraq -- and he will repeat, somewhere else, the same reckless mistakes that have made America less secure than we can or should be."

You: “The world is a safer place with Saddam Hussein behind prison bars!” Or:

“My opponent is sending mixed signals. His words embolden the enemy." Or:

“We must whip the terrorists in Iraq so we don't have to face them here at home.”

You see? It’s magic! Any crystalized thought will do! Mix them up! Also, we want everybody to know that You’re a Strong and Decisive Leader! If You have too many “crystalized thoughts,” people might not understand You. They’ll say You’re flip-flopping. Stick with three. Say them over and over!

By the way, did You hear what Your “handler,” James Baker let slip into that 32 page debate agreement?! Here’s what slipped in:

Candidates are not allowed to “use risers or any other device to create an impression of elevated height."

What was Baker thinking?! Have You seen how tall the Flip-Flopping Frenchman is?! Is it too late to change that rule?

Oh well, the bigger they are, the harder they fall. Maybe you can get some lifts in your shoes. Who would know?

Good luck crystalizing Your thoughts! Don’t forget to breathe!

Carl Estrada

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